I’ve had a rough several days. My first few days last week out of town were pretty great.
I enjoyed some time to myself with planning, moving my body, spending time in the Word, blogging, and just refreshing myself a bit.
Unfortunately, I hurt myself one day when I did 100 burpees. I was trying to be quiet for the people below me in the hotel room, and I had poor form. It wasn’t too bad right away or even the next day. Of course the next night I did 240 air squats (and 110 jump overs), and every time I squatted, I put my arms up halfway to balance (out of habit). I guess that movement in addition to the pain from the burpees made my arm throb all night that night and the whole next day. I honestly thought I had an actual injury. I didn’t sleep much, then I ended up struggling to focus, I ate badly, and I started to go downhill mentally/emotionally. I was also so grumpy and negative.
Friday was a rough day of testing. The power went out and we were scrambling to figure out how to make things work so the students could finish their testing. The testing ended up taking longer than any other day in the week, and it was supposed to be a shorter day. I didn’t eat lunch till like 2:00 (after only having a protein drink for breakfast), and I ate all the things. It was partly emotional eating and partly just starving.
That evening I was in a terrible mood despite being glad to be home, and it continued into the next day. I was then seeing all the hard parts of my job and really struggling. My anxiety was high and I was feeling depressed.
I decided yesterday that I wanted to eat healthy, and I got up and cleaned the house then went for a hike with Robert.
It’s amazing what a cleaner house, being outside, moving my body, eating nutritious food, drinking water, and spending time with my hubby did for my mood.
I felt so much better last night and into today.
I’m now able to remember the good parts of my job and the fact that God opened up this door because it’s best for me. I decided to push with my doctor for extended accommodations because I don’t think I can test even this summer, and I will probably need to continue my treatments in the future.
This morning God spoke to me in a big way and I realized that I was complaining a lot, being pretty self-centered, negative, and not focusing on Jesus. I was bringing others down with me.
I messaged those people and apologized and said I’m going to try to be less negative moving forward. They all said I wasn’t negative and they are there to listen, but I know I was negative and self-focused.
Something else that some co-workers pointed out is that I’m seeing the weight of expectations too high because I’m a perfectionist. I’ve been told that my 60-80% is other people’s 100%. So I’m going to try to bring it down. The biggest thing is setting boundaries. Take a lunch. Don’t go over and above non-stop. Stop working at 5 (or 4 on days that I have to pick my kids up). And the biggest thing is to stop trying to control things and people that aren’t mine to control (it’s obviously not working and making things harder for me). I feel like I’m constantly “chasing” kids down who don’t come to class or aren’t doing their work. I literally can’t change any of that so I’m going to stop trying so hard.
I’m feeling a bit refreshed and renewed. I want to focus on just enjoying being with my students and just doing the best I can without the obsessing about perfection. It’ll actually make everyone enjoy class more.
My number one priorities moving forward are my health and relationships. They are the things that matter for the long term. Not being perfect or doing everything just right.
I’m starting that challenge tomorrow with my friend. I’m going to make sure to go for a walk every day at lunch time (eat a quick lunch then go outside and walk). I’ll do a workout with my friend tomorrow night. I’ll eat healthy (as I usually do when I’m home). I’ll drink water. I’ll read.
I’m reading Grit right now, and it’s a tough read only because I know I don’t have much grit myself. I give up all the time, every time something gets hard. It’s tough because of my mental health struggles, but maybe it’s time that I stop leaning on them as a crutch.
I can’t fully control my mental health, but I can continue to do everything in my power such as physical health things, spending time with Jesus, constant reminders of His word (memorizing scripture), praising Jesus through music, and loving others better. I’m finally getting back to my treatments again after not doing them regularly like I need to for quite a while (thanks to my ADA accommodations). I tried the at-home version, and it didn’t work super well.
As always, all I can do is take things one second, minute, hour, and day at a time.
I’ve been sober quite a while now! and I’ve done that one day at a time.
Yesterday I mentioned to a friend who has been around a while that she has seen my battle with my mental health for a long time. She reminded me that despite my continuous battle, I’ve grown tremendously, and that means so much to me.
I guess this all shows grit. Maybe I have more than I thought. I have fought for my sobriety and continue to do everything I can for my mental health. I’m starting this challenge and despite the fact that I will NOT want to do it every day, I know it will only help me grow! I’m looking for the health (in all the ways), and the self-efficacy and confidence.
One other thing. I noticed myself falling into the social media trap again very easily, and that affects me so much. I’m trying again to live life with my FB account deactivated and focus on the things that matter.
I’ve got this, one day at a time!