I had my sixth treatment yesterday and the doctor agreed that a couple more treatments would be good. They are making a difference, it has just been slow. The fourth one set me back for some reason (we don’t know why), but I have had some benefit from the fifth and sixth ones. I really think the one I had yesterday has shown the biggest benefit.
Last night I did notice my physical anxiety symptoms coming back so I decided to tell my brain that I’m not going to sit in it and allow it to happen. So when I notice it I just tell my brain no, it’s not going to happen. It’s kind of a mind over matter thing that I haven’t been able to utilize until now. I’m not saying that the symptoms are gone, but I think telling my brain that I won’t allow it to keep happening does something. I’m just not sitting in it anymore. I can have control over my brain, one day at a time.
Y’all, getting well mentally takes so much effort. The treatments (which are also expensive) are hard work. Constantly remembering to use my coping skills takes hard work. Staying sober while getting well takes hard work. Counseling, taking care of my body, etc takes time and work. But I know it’ll be worth it.
My harder season is still coming (late fall, winter) so I’m hoping that by the time that comes I will have made enormous progress. My brother died by suicide on November 30th in 2009 so my body has ptsd symptoms. But I think I can overcome.
I’m so grateful to work somewhere where they know about my mental health struggles and want me to work for them anyway. I have still been able to rock my job despite it, and I think it’s because I’m working from home now. And my employer is amazing. I’m no longer in a deeply toxic work environment. It’s not perfect, but it’s right.
I’m just grateful. Good things are coming. I believe it. I have to believe it.
I have been working hard on working out consistently. I have been trying to get five workouts in per week. I did it last week and if I work out today and tomorrow, I will have done it this week as well. Some days are more than nothing, but I’ll take it.
I am also doing the Street Parking nutrition small group coaching starting October 3rd. I keep trying to change my eating habits on my own, and I’m constantly struggling. I have been eating crappy and it affects how I feel physically. And actually it affects my mental health as well. It decreases my self-efficacy which makes me feel like I’m just “failing” non-stop. I know how to eat well (I know nutrition), but I need an incremental, structured program along with the accountability of the small group. It’s a 6 week program and it was only $50! The goal is to be eating mostly whole foods in the right amounts by the end. Not perfectly, but in a way that works for me and my lifestyle. Right now I’m eating a lot of processed food, not enough protein, not enough fruits and veggies, etc. I have a few non-negotiables (pumpkin spice creamer, sweetened Greek yogurt, salad dressings), but I know there are many areas of my food intake that will change, that I’m willing to change.
Robert recently introduced me to a Christian artist who has so many songs that I resonate with and his style is my favorite style.
I keep listening to this song over and over. It’s actually fall (not springtime), but the lyrics speak to my soul.