Now that I’m 40

First, I have to share something that makes me so, so happy and made my year: my people threw me a 40th birthday party last night. I have never felt so loved by my community. They had lavender tea cake, Asian food, amazing homemade kombucha, wildflower and succulents for decoration, a sweet book with notes from each person, some tea and a candle as a gift, and most important, I got to spend time with people who have made an impact on my life.

Those who know me well, know that I often feel like I’m a burden to others. I often don’t know if anyone even likes me. I take it super personally when I feel like I’m forgotten about or not included in things. The day of my birthday was actually very uneventful and felt like just another day so this was a welcomed surprise. I feel so loved and wanted in my community.

Why the Name Change?

This has been on my mind for quite a while. My blog name was Wild and Free Mama. As I’ve gotten to know myself better and as I’m learning to accept myself, I have realized that I’m actually not very wild and free. I have wanted to be, but it’s just not me. I need routine, structure, organization, comfort (objects, scents, shows, music), etc and those things are definitely not wild and free. I am not very spontaneous. I don’t love randomly going and jumping in the river like Robert and his staff do. I’m not super adventurous as much as I have tried to be. I am soooo tired of my chickens and am giving them away. I have decided that they are a waste of time, money, and energy. I don’t actually like making kombucha but made it because it was cool. I used to be into essential oils, supplements, natural remedies, then realized none of that is backed by science, and none of it actually does anything. It’s a waste of money.

So, I am simplifying. Anything that I did just to be someone I’m not has to go. And I have decided that I’m enough as I am. I don’t have to be “wild and free” to be enough. I don’t have to seem like someone I’m not to be liked/loved. I don’t have to do things that cause anxiety so that I’m accepted. I am me, and I am enough.

Through this process, I will see who it is that God made me to be. I will become more authentic. My anxiety is already reducing as I begin this process. I will be more confident. I will be less swayed by others. I will care less what other people think.

It’s definitely a process and a journey, and I’m here for it.

Right now I’m going through everything that I do and have thought that I like all these years and decide if I truly like these things or have I done them to fit into some kind of box. What music do I truly like? What are truly my favorite colors? Decor? Foods? Hobbies? Do I actually like “natural living” at all?

Also, what do I need to happen in my life to feel okay mentally? If it is healthy, it’s okay to continue. Having a clean/organized house makes me feel my best mentally, so I will start making that a priority again. Some people can handle mess, but I’ve recently learned that I have OCD traits so it makes total sense that I cannot handle mess. A clean house makes me feel better, and that’s okay. Same thing goes for routine/structure. I need it. I could go on and on.

Some things that I know for sure: I love mint and turquoise colors (along with gray and brown), I love wildflowers and the desert (including cacti), I love my dog but don’t want any more animals (too much work), I don’t always love cooking/baking from scratch (I’m even a huge fan of buying things like pre-prepared veggies and fruits, etc), I love my planners (always and forever), I LOVE candles (my fave right now is pumpkin waffles… it’s never too early), I love southwest patterns, I love Coke Zero, I love coffee (even if it’s not super great quality… Eight O’Clock coffee is just fine), I love taking long walks, I like to do strength training workouts a couple days a week, I do NOT like having chickens anymore, I’m trying to decide if I like gardening or not (I have everything for a fall garden but might hold off until the spring), I love journaling, I love Jesus but am so back and forth about church, psych meds and therapy are always necessary (always will be), sometimes I love having people over and sometimes I just want to read in my bed, I’m really enjoying quiet and being home (which is nice since I will work from home), I cannot handle craziness and sensory overload (which is why the classroom is too hard for me), and I love spending time with my family, but my kids are at an age in which they would prefer their friends so it’s a bit challenging.

I’m so so excited about working from my home office every day. I can’t even contain my excitement. It will be life-changing in such a positive way. I never knew how much I needed this until now. I start Monday!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s