Slowly Feeling Joy

Looking back over my last 10 or so posts, I see so much up and down. Mostly down with a little bit of up mixed in. This year has been very hard. Ultimately every year is hard in its own way, but this year has been especially hard. 2020 was cake compared to this year. I just can’t put it into words.

The last time I wrote I talked about how my anxiety was SO much better, but my depression was hanging on. I was feel especially low that day. I had an appointment with my psychologist for testing, and I’m sure she’s going to say I have depression (I meet with her today so we will see).

The next day I started magically feeling better, and while I’m not where I want to be exactly, I’m still so much better. This past week has been very nice. I’ve had time to rest, had time with Robert, spent some time at work, cleaned up the house, and I’ve worked out every day since Thursday (6 days in a row so far… one of those days was just on my air bike and yesterday was a 3 1/2 mile walk… the rest were SP workouts). I still have a low level of depression (I don’t feel this amazing happiness), but I’m managing so much better. There are things that bring me joy, and I can enjoy them truly. At this point I do think that too much medication makes it hard to have normal emotions so that will have to be ironed out to get any better. One of them in particular creates emotional numbness, and I can feel that to my core. I haven’t felt truly happy in a long time. I am going to request that I be weaned off of that one for sure. It’s a common one that is known to have a lot of side effects. I’m nervous about coming off of any meds, but I think I will start to feel better physically.

This is what I want. I want to feel happiness again. I want to wake up with purpose and find joy in the small things. I want to have motivation to do the things that bring me joy. Making homemade bread. Taking care of my chickens. Eating healthy, whole foods. Learning and growing as an educator. Working out (though I’m getting there!). Living more naturally. Playing games. Spending time with friends. Having more adventures. Living more “wild and free.”

Wild and free is always my hope and goal for myself, but it doesn’t always pan out. I get stuck in my own head and have a hard time letting go and just enjoying life. I want that for myself. And for my family. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask. And I really don’t think that God wants me to live in the prison that is my own mind. I know he would want me to be free. So I’m just going to keep asking for that. And I’m going to keep asking for prayer. I have noticed lately that prayer DOES change things. I have been skeptical for years, but I think that has made it hard for me to see how things change when people pray.

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