You are my Oxygen

This post is going to be a compilation of different things that are going through my brain at the moment so bear with me.

The more I fight for my mental health, the more I learn about myself. Severe anxiety SUCKS, but sometimes I feel like maybe it has to get worse before it gets better. And I’m learning more about why I have severe anxiety. It’ll definitely help to know how to treat it and overcome. I think if it wasn’t this bad I wouldn’t be fighting as hard.

I’m learning things on my own and I will also be getting tested on July 7th to find out what’s going on with me once and for all. The clinical psychologist that tested two of my kids is going to be testing me. She said it will take a few hours. She seems great and thorough. I’ll be getting the kids’ results that day, too.

PTSD: The Cause of My Severe Anxiety

I have had anxiety my whole life. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was 18. But it got so severe after my brother died in a gruesome way. The aftermath is what caused the bulk of my issues: having ServPro strip the ceiling, walls, carpet, etc while we were in the dining room right next to the bedroom that he died in planning his funeral. I remember the smell, I remember asking the people doing the cleaning how they are able to handle it (they think about it like animal guts…), I remember a piece of his brain being on the window and we saw it every time we walked by outside, I remember there being a sheet hanging in front of the door, I remember not being able to sleep in that room for quite some time, I remember the funeral director explaining that it couldn’t be an open casket because the top part of his head was missing. I was 7 months pregnant and had a 1 year old and 3 year old. My parents (for obvious reasons) needed a lot of help that week.

I started reading this book and my life has been changed just after one chapter. I feel seen for the first time in years.

I wrote this on my Facebook yesterday and it is completely mind-blowing. Many of these things are quotes from the book.

“Trauma affects people in different ways. But there’s one thing trauma always does: It throws you off balance. In fact, the effects of trauma can leave you feeling so out of sync that you may wonder if anyone understands you—including yourself!”

“If you have been traumatized, then you know what it’s like to live at extremes, to feel out of sync with others, and even to feel at war with yourself.
Sometimes you completely space on details… and sometimes you obsess over minutia. Sometimes you overreact… and sometimes you feel completely paralyzed. Sometimes you experience a million contradictory emotions at once… and sometimes you feel numb. Sometimes you overthink with constant worries… and sometimes you make impulsive decisions by not thinking enough. Sometimes you over-rely on other people by acting too needy and clingy… and sometimes you burn bridges that you cannot afford to burn.”

“In short, not only do you feel like your entire life is off balance and out of whack, you also feel like a complete walking contradiction.”

Y’all this explains me completely. I wish that ptsd would have been made more clear all along. I’ve been diagnosed with many things and while ptsd has been an afterthought, it was never made to be the main thing. I think it is! I will be having more testing in a few weeks to finally rule other stuff out, but maybe I need to focus on getting the right treatment once and for all.

High Expectations and Black and White Thinking

As mentioned above, I struggle deeply with balance in every area of my life. I tend to go to one extreme or the other for just about everything. Whether it be a messy/clean house, a strict diet or eating all the things, working out all the time or none of the time, planning every detail or nothing, being “perfect” with my teaching or letting it go because perfection is impossible, giving 200% or 50% (after 200% is very difficult to maintain), living a “natural life” 100% of the time (and finding my identity in that) or not at all, focusing on weight loss all the time or giving up, sitting around all day or being very busy all the time; I could go on and one.

An “Aha” Moment

I have a walking route that is a favorite because of where it leads me. My halfway mark is this low water crossing where the river flows beautifully. I love the sound of it; it’s very peaceful. And honestly all of the other water crossings on our road are dry because of the drought that we are in so this is special. This isn’t actually on our property. It’s a 30 minute walk down the county road. It’s 3 1/2 miles there and back. It was really hot but I had water strapped to my back, and I did okay.

I have been listening to podcasts for quite some time and many of them were true crime. I realized recently that I needed positive podcasts to listen to so I downloaded some that were recommended to me.

The first podcast that I started listening to was called Chasing Excellence. The episode that I started with was titled “The 10 Principals of Nutrition.” I thought it would be a great refresher. I know a lot about nutrition but needed to be reminded. Well, the first two “principals” were “don’t eat sugar” and “don’t eat processed foods.” I realized quickly that it was increasing my anxiety because right now I’m in a place in which I am trying so hard to find balance. Just telling me not to eat something makes that impossible. Then I started listening to one that basically focused on perfection in all the ways. I realized pretty quickly that this one was causing me anxiety as well because I never feel like I can measure up to a lot of these athletes that preach perfection.

About halfway into my walk I realized that it was time to listen to worship music.

While walking and listening to/singing worship music, I realized some things.

What I consume makes a difference for my mental health. True Crime causes anxiety, “Chasing Excellence” type podcasts cause anxiety, and worship music brings peace and clarity. Other podcasts such as The Next Right Thing bring peace and clarity as well.

When I was walking and worshipping God reminded me that I’m enough right now. I don’t need to lose anymore weight, keep from gaining weight, exercise more, eat better, be a perfect Wilderness Cook, be a perfect teacher, be a perfect mom, have a spotless house, be a perfect wife, be “all in” with anything, be a friend that everyone needs me to be, be completely organized, or be anything other than imperfect me. I truly can just be me right where I am not not chase excellence. Chasing excellence just brings more anxiety and I’m trying to reduce my anxiety. That doesn’t mean on giving up on important things. It just means that I can stop striving all the time. I can just “be.” Because who I am right now is pretty great.

One of my anxiety symptoms right now is feeling the need to take a deep breath and not being able to a lot of the time. It brings on panicky feelings and I have to intentionally focus on my breathing often. This song came on in good timing.

“You are my oxygen
You’re making me wanna live again
You are my oxygen
You’re making me wanna live again

Sometimes my very best
Is only my weakest yes
You see strength in every movement
Baby steps and short breaths
Anything is progress
You sustain my every moment

You are my oxygen
You’re making me wanna live again
You are my oxygen
You’re making me wanna live again!

Sometimes my very best
Is only my weakest yes
You see strength in every movement
Baby steps and short breaths
Anything is progress
You sustain my every moment

My lifeblood, my true love
My reason, my because
My hope when I’m hopeless
You never run out, You’re the source of it
The moon in my night sky
My vision when I’m blind
When I quit, You still fight
You fight for me

Sometimes my very best
Is only my weakest yes
You see strength in every movement
Baby steps and short breaths
Anything is progress
You sustain my every moment”