This week has been a bit of a roller coaster. I was out of town (by myself) Sunday through Tuesday, Robert left Wednesday, and Karis came home from camp early Thursday because she was sick.
While I was staying in a hotel earlier this week, I had the evenings to myself. I was all alone which usually means that my mind starts spinning. I noticed that I was spiraling and I reached out to a few friends.
I realized the part of my deconstruction journey that is the hardest on me: not having answers about certain things. I want answers and I want to be able to prove things. The hard thing is, it depends on what you read that gives different ideas about things. And everyone has good ideas and everyone has something that makes me scratch my head.
Then one of my sweet friends said some things that changed my whole view of all of this: You don’t have to have a definitive answer. All we are called to do is love.
I have been overcomplicating things as if I had to prove something to myself and others. But I don’t! I just know I need to be love. I had conversations with a few more friends after that and we had similar discussions. I was also reminded to lean into Jesus as I’m going through this process. He’s there for me. He’s with me. He always has been and always will be. It’s all about Him anyway. This is exactly where Robert lives at all times. He’s such an amazing example to me. I love seeing him grow into his new role of Wilderness Director. It has been really stressful as he has spent SO much time preparing for his role and now as it’s summer, but he is thriving.
I have spent a lot of time in worship lately. The realization that Jesus is right with me and always has been is freeing and wonderful. He doesn’t care if I have doubts or questions. He is right there in the midst. The deconstruction has brought something super beautiful: the realization that Jesus brings freedom and joy and doesn’t bring rules and chains. He is a God of love, mercy, and grace. He loves the oppressed and marginalized and those in the midst of great struggle.
David Crowder has a new album (out yesterday) and it is incredible. Raw worship. Every song speaks truth and my heart. I’m so grateful that God brought this to me at just the right time.
I’m content with where I am at the moment. I have nothing to prove. All I need to do is love.