This week has thrown me for a loop.

It started out with me feeling great about everything. I have fallen into our new life as homesteaders. I knew that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to. I was beyond excited and was just in the kitchen for hours and hours a day.

Today I feel like my whole world is out of control (I mean, we’re living through a pandemic and everything is shutting down). Lots of big things are happening in our life and I pretty much lost it today.

Tonight I realized something.

This out of control feeling is me feeling like I need to try to control everything. And I literally can’t control anything. I can’t. None of it.

I’m just now realizing that I have been hanging onto any semblance of control that I thought I had and when that was stripped away, I couldn’t manage life.

Gosh y’all. Mind. Blown. Not for this particular moment. But for my whole life. I am always trying to control people and situations. It doesn’t work real well.

It’s kind of cliche I guess, but I’m going to say it. The only one in control is God. That’s it. He allows things for reasons that we might never understand. Ever. And we have to have trust that He will work these things for our good and His glory. So how can we trust that?

We pull from our story. Our history. The history of our friends and family. And the history all throughout His word. Do things ever turn out the way we think they will? Nope. Not ever. At least not that I’ve seen. Do they turn out the right way, the way He feels is best? I mean, I’d love to say every time. But I just don’t know if that’s true for everyone because there’s this thing called sin. Brokenness. Sickness. People die terrible deaths. People suffer. Really really hard things happen. But God redeems it. Either on earth or in heaven. My brother died a tragic death (by his own hands), and I will never ever say that’s what God wanted. But I know that he’s whole and at peace with Jesus. That’s all I can ask for.

So tonight I have been thinking through our coming days. I have been trying to do all the things and plug along like everything is normal. But it’s not.

For our school I have decided a few things. For at least the next month or so I’m going to focus on the important things. God’s story, His redemption, reading aloud good literature, doing a bit of copywork and dictation, doing some nature study, a bit of math, and this coming week we will do some fun Easter things. I’m letting go of trying to control every aspect of my kids’ day. I want them to be able to play and do things other than school. They will have options for art. I’ll make some fresh playdough. We’ll be dyeing some eggs with food. We will be doing a fraction activity with the colored eggs that we make.

This probably won’t last forever because I do feel like they need more, but gosh, I want them to be able to deal with their feelings.

I’m having a parent appointment with Ethan’s counselor on Monday to discuss how to help all of the kids during all of this and Ethan has an appt every Wednesday. This will take place via Zoom of course.

I’m attempting to take a step back. I will probably need many reminders. But it’s okay.

I’m hoping to get a good night’s sleep tonight. It has been a while.


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