I Don’t Even Know…

What. A. Day.

I have been writing and rewriting this post in my head all day and I just struggle to get the words out. Partly because I’m not sure of what’s going on in my heart and mind, and partly because I have been doing better sharing via Facebook live or Instagram stories. Saying verbally has been helping me.

But I think tonight is one of those nights in which I will attempt to get it out onto my blog.

I’m thankful for the WordPress app because that tends to be where I write most of my blog posts these days.


If you’ve been following my blog very long, you would have been reading about my chronic cough and all that comes with that.

I have had so much testing. Two chest X-rays, a lung function test, nasal and GI endoscopies, a WHOLE LOT of blood testing, and a CT scan of my sinuses. I have also tried a ton of different meds. And I’ve checked with my pharmacist about med interactions or side affects of the ones that I’m already taking. If you think it’s something I’ve tried, I’ve probably tried.

I saw my ENT today for the results of my CT. I am feeling pretty defeated. I know this sounds weird, but I’m tired of finding out that I’m totally normal and healthy on paper. Because I don’t feel normal and healthy. He said that my sinuses are so perfect that that’s what he would show people what normal sinuses look like.

One positive is that last time I saw him, he put me on a med that has helped me quite a bit. It’s actually for the nervous system. Well, I was already taking it, but he increased the dose and had me start taking it multiple times a day. Downside is that it’s not something that I can take forever at that high of a dose. Also, it makes me pretty tired.

He and I talked for a while. He agreed with me that it’s probably neurological. We talked about my mental health struggles and about how I have a history of odd and debilitating physical symptoms due to severe anxiety. He was glad to know that I’m seeing a psychiatrist and counselor. He was kind of sad for me that there’s nothing obvious going on and we just had a good conversation about life. He had some wise words to share and told me that he will pray for me (like, the team gets together in his office every day to pray).

I saw my counselor a few hours later. Goodness. I remembered why I love her. She has been a counselor for 30 years. She has seen and heard it all. She’s kind and has a whole lot of wisdom. I talked for about 45 minutes and she shared some wisdom that I have been carrying with me.

1. It’s really okay that I have this increase in medication dose. Don’t let anyone try to convince that there’s something wrong with it (there have already been a few).

2. I told her that if this really is because of anxiety, I want to hit it hard and get to the bottom of it. And she said, maybe that’s the thing. You don’t need to hit it hard, you need to (then she sat back in her chair in surrender). I spend every waking hour trying to better myself and my husband and my kids and our home and our dog and our meal plan and the food that we eat and and and and. So now I need to fight this really hard, right? Or maybe the idea is that I need to stop fighting so hard. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this.

3. The idea that I have an intense fear of rejection is a common theme in my sessions with her in general, and it came up big time today. She reminded me that most people have a tiny inner circle. And maybe mine is just my little family. She’s always reminding me how amazing my husband is and maybe I should focus in on that relationship and my kids. And that’s enough. And if I have a few more, then I have pretty rich relationships. I went on to tell her about the many people who love and support me. It was a good reminder that what the other people think of me (or what I’m assuming that they think of me) just doesn’t matter. She advised me that if someone doesn’t respond to me that I should not spend a lot of energy trying to force it to happen. This will take time and EMDR therapy to deal with. It’s a very deep and intense issue that I struggle with and have for most of my life. I literally don’t know how to be any different. I’m always jealous of people who have zero care if you talk to them or invite them to things.

We also talked about Ethan and how much alike he and I are. Like. He’s a younger version of me (with severe ADHD). He had a bad day today while I was gone because he forgot to take his adhd meds. He cannot function without them. That’s a whole other story.

At this point, I’m not really sure what to do. My ENT told me to follow up with my general practitioner, but I don’t think she will know anymore to do, just like all of the specialists that I’ve seen. I’m thinking about just bringing it up to my psychiatrist at my next appointment and work on my anxiety in the meantime. I don’t know.

I see my counselor again next week, and Ethan will be seeing his.

I’m thinking about just doing a whole lot of self care for a while. It has been sorely lacking.

I have a fear that I will always struggle. And maybe I will. But a little hope would be helpful at the moment.

On another note, Loki got neutered today and he was super cute when he was still out of it.

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