I made a decision yesterday and it came with a slew of thoughts, discouragement, encouragement, prayer, contentment, and peace.
Making the decision to sub came with a lot of hesitancy. I thought of subbing to be up at the school because Ethan has been having issues with classmates. I thought being there would help things. I also thought it would be good to make a bit of money and have something to do other than be home alone most days. But I just knew it wasn’t right for me the moment I decided to do it.
But I went along with it. I got the application and filled it out right away because I knew that if I didn’t just do it I would change my mind.
The decision brought a lot of fear and anxiety along with making me feel more depressed because I knew it was going to affect my mental health. I was scared to go there again. But. I had filled out the application and turned it in; I didn’t want to appear flaky.
Yesterday I decided that I needed to humble myself and make the decision to not sub. I came to the conclusion yet again that I may not be able to work, even subbing.
I’m not sure if I will be able to teach childbirth ed classes, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I will continue studying and working towards my certification. I feel like it’s different because I’m the one who determines every part of it. But again. We’ll see! I’m enjoying learning.
So my focus now is AA and gym on Mondays. Monday night is still Bible study at my house (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE). Tuesday will be a laundry/cleaning day. Wednesday will be gym and church. Thursday will be another laundry/cleaning day. Friday, every other week, I will go to town for groceries and things. I will study in between all of that.
A new family is joining our school routine and carpool so we will be driving one less day a week. I’m excited about that. It opens things up a bit.
Coming to this decision was hard because I feel like I had to admit defeat. Knowing that my mental health makes it nearly impossible to work is frustrating. Knowing that despite a really good year last year, I am struggling again, and it reminds me that I have a real illness that I cannot handle on my own. I cannot do lots of things because of it. It takes a lot of effort to manage it each day. Yes. Prayer helps a ton. But it is real.
Just a bit ago I looked down at my wrist and had the reminder of that… it is an illness… it is real… it requires a lot of work and energy… but I’ll be okay.
Last night at Bible study we discussed the fact that our weaknesses are for His glory. He allows those things in our life so that we rely on Him. Yes we have to go through with some actions. For me that’s meds, self care, therapy when needed, reaching out, etc. But he allows those things, and He fills in the gaps where those things fail because they are not Him. I can trust Him with my life.
He has a plan and a purpose for my life despite the areas where I struggle. He knows all about it; He knows more than me. He has me where I am in life for a reason.
My friends reminded me last night that having an open home for Bible study, coffee with friends, etc is a purpose all in itself. I also make sure that our home is peaceful and comfortable for my family. I go to AA and sometimes chair it. I share about my struggles online and in person and am vulnerable because I feel that’s what God has called me to do. Through that, I have helped lots of people. But it’s all because of what He is doing through me.
So today, I am sitting in contentment knowing that He is God and I am not. I trust Him.