My Scattered, Tired, Worn Out Thoughts and Update

This week has been one with many ups and downs.  Robert has been working till like midnight/1:00 every night so I haven’t been going to sleep till right before then.  And we have been getting up just as early (about 5:30).

It has also been a very high anxiety week.

I barely remember Monday and Tuesday.  Wednesday I had a crazy argument with someone in a homeschool used curriculum group and she ended up “reporting me” to the admin (for just trying to get her to give me a tracking number).  It turned out that she was in the wrong, but it caused me extreme anxiety.  A few other things happened that day that just made it worse.

Yesterday was another rough day because I keep listening to people about how I should do things and it has had me going back and forth about things multiple times a day.

Last night my good friend and neighbor suggested that maybe it’s time to stop listening to outside opinions and make a decision based on what Robert and I feel is best for our family.

It all started coming together.  I had the same conversation the day before with my dietitian.  We talked about why it’s difficult for me that I’ve gained weight, and it all comes down to me caring too much what other’s think about me (or what I think they think).

These important people in my life being straight with me is just what I needed. Today was better with anxiety; though, I was really tired all day.  I also had a headache all day.

Tonight I’m just tired of the brain that I have.  It’s so hard living with mental illness.

The big decision that has been weighing on me is this desire to homeschool all of my kids again but not being sure if that’s best for them or me.  A few people have had very strong opinions about this, and I even had one person block me on Facebook when I told her I needed to stop seeking outside opinions (and she was annoyed with me that I was so back and forth).  Luckily it was just an online friend, but I’m sad because we talked curriculum all the time.  Not many people want to talk curriculum with me.  It’s probably for the best, though.  It’s just one more area where I feel like I have failed and I’ve been rejected.

Today I’m leaning towards homeschooling the boys, but it has changed a lot so I still have a lot of praying to do!

Robert is on call tonight and I decided to stay up for him and listen for the radio so he can at least attempt some sleep.  He has only gotten like 4 hours of sleep a night and working 18 hour days.  I’m pretty exhausted myself, but I just sit most of the day so I can handle it.  Plus, I can sleep in tomorrow and he can’t.

I could use some prayers as I navigate things, make decisions, and learn how to not take in others’ opinions.  Also pray that I will ride this wave of anxiety and come out stronger tomorrow.

**Update**

I forgot to publish this last night!  I ended up going to sleep at about midnight, but I slept till 9:00!  I woke up feeling refreshed and my headache is dull today (still kind of there but much better).

Today we are being lazy because starting tomorrow through Wednesday we will be VERY busy.

I’m enjoying looking at what curriculum I would need to buy if we decided to homeschool the boys again.  I want to see how much it will cost us to see if it’s possible.  I’m going to try to do a lot of things myself.  Reading comprehension, fluency, etc will be done with ways that I taught reading in the past, free resources, and some things I have bought on Teachers Pay Teachers.

I’m excited about the possibility!  I just have to keep praying because we plan to keep them home from now on if we bring them home as to not keep changing things for them.  We need to have some stability because their lives have been kind of crazy.

As much as I plan to stay out of rehab, a relapse is always possible as an alcoholic.  Hospitalization for mental illness is also always a possibility.  I have to have a back up plan if any of that happens.  I have to make sure I can handle having more to do each day which will reduce my self care.  I have to have a back up plan for bad days.  My neighbor suggested a “bad day box” as a back up plan.  Just have activities that they can do without me.  I also plan to try to do as many independent things as I can.

I honestly think having purpose each day will help my depression.  It already has with homeschooling Karis.

The only reason I put the kids back in school was because of having to go to AA when I got out of rehab.  I didn’t want to put them in school at all.  They were not thrilled about going back to school.  I will say, though, that Ethan has been doing really well, and I have to take that into consideration.  His behavior has been better, his reading level went up a lot, and he does well with competition.  Levi will do fine either way.  They both want to be home.

I have time, and I won’t say on here till May what our decision is.  We won’t tell them till after they are out for the summer and I don’t want them to find out from someone else.  They know we are praying about it and have taken their desires into consideration.