Bipolar 2, Severe Anxiety, and Disability

I have talked about this here, but I am in the process of trying to get disability.  I have tried to work so many times and had to quit because of severe depression, severe anxiety, and panic attacks.  I couldn’t function.

I tried on my own and was denied.  I waited to long to appeal, so I had to start over again and tried going through a company called Allsup.

I was denied again so now I’m appealing through a lawyer.  They wouldn’t have taken me as a client if they thought I would be denied because they don’t get paid unless I win.  I am meeting with a psychologist on February 1st for them to determine that I really have the mental illnesses that I say I have.

This is the hard part.  I’ve done this before with a doctor and he said I didn’t have bipolar.  I have been diagnosed 5 times by psychiatrists and my previous counselor agreed.  But.  Sometimes I wonder if I actually have bipolar.  Bipolar 2 is so hard to understand.

They say I have hypomania when I am extremely productive and energetic (exercising 2 hours a day, which is uncommon for me… baking/making 10 things in a day… having a spotless house… laundry caught up… playing with kids… etc, all in one day, and this lasts for several weeks). I also have less need for sleep.

Then, it’s followed by a crash.  After the extreme productiveness and lots of energy for a few weeks, I get really, really depressed.

Of course this has all been less extreme since I started taking bipolar meds, so I guess it’s true that I have bipolar.  Now to convince someone who’s job it is to say I don’t have bipolar.

I know that God is in control and is sovereign.  I trust that if I’m supposed to receive disability I will.  If not, then I’m done trying.  We will be fine if I don’t receive it… it would just really help.

I hate that I can’t work.  I would love to be able to.  I have been told by the lawyer’s office that I can even choose to work 15-20 hours (max $1000 per month) even with disability.  I’m not sure I can even do that.  I have tried to work an at home, online, part time job (as the editor of To Save a Life) and couldn’t do it.  That was a dream position, and I couldn’t handle it!  That is so frustrating to me.

Just before I took this position, I think I was hypomanic.  It made me think I could handle a job.  Then, the depression hit while I was working.  And I was having extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Now I have been diagnosed with alcohol use disorder on top of that.  So I’m fighting a lot of things every day.  My “job” is self care.  If I don’t take care of myself, then I can’t function for my family.