Before yesterday I had been sleeping till 8:30 or 9:00 (because I woke at like 4:00 and when I finally fell back asleep I couldn’t get back up). I decided the other day that even if I wake up at 4:00, I would just get up, have my coffee, and dig into God’s word. Maybe he was waking me up so early on purpose. So that’s what I did. Yesterday I woke somewhere between 3:30-4:00, and I got out of bed at 5:00. It was just what I needed. I started my day in God’s word, coffee in hand. I spent time in prayer and just journaling about everything that was on my heart.
Well the same thing happened today, only I woke up at 5:45. Still early enough to have some time to myself. God really spoke to me and I thought I would share some of that.
One of the things that I struggle with is whether or not the way I’m feeling is from mental illness, everyday life struggles, or sin that I am in that is keeping me in slavery.
Last night I was having a “poor me” night. I was feeling alone. Feeling as if no one cared about what I was going through. Feeling as though I was insignificant and didn’t matter. Feeling as though no one would miss me if I wasn’t here (besides my family of course). Total self-centeredness. It was making me feel depressed. I automatically assumed my depression was sinking back in and I was going to have another bout of depression.
God reminded me this morning that my feelings of depression and bad days/moments aren’t always from mental illness… sometimes they are just bad days and even sometimes they are from sin that is entangling me.
I have been reading from the Life of Moses over at She Reads Truth. God spoke something to me that I’ve never understood before, and now some of my issues are making so much more sense.
“After living under Pharaoh’s oppression for so long, enslavement had started to feel normal. It had become the everyday rhythm of the Israelites’ lives. They had forgotten what it means to be free. So God’s first step in freeing them was to make slavery even more unbearable. In His mercy, He lifted the veil from their eyes and made it clear: there was no future for them in Egypt.
God does the same for us. His concern and love for us dictate that He use all means necessary to wake us out of the acceptance of our own slavery—to comparison and greed, lust and selfishness and joylessness—whatever it may be. In His mercy, God refuses to let us bear it any longer.
Here’s a hard truth: God’s mercy does not require His treatment of us to be comfortable or safe (Deuteronomy 8:2-3). But in the midst of our pain, God’s plan is still good and His promises remain true. He will deliver us. He will free us. He will redeem us (Exodus 6:6). And come what may, He promises to be with us (Isaiah 43:2).”
Ouch. I really can’t even add much more to this except to say that I’m realizing my issues aren’t always about mental illness.