Right after I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, I wrote a post about Feeling Defective. I saw the diagnosis as a curse. It meant that I would not be healed. I would have to live with it for the rest of my life. It could be managed, but it would never be cured. I saw this as a terrible thing. It almost felt like a life sentence. I would never be able to live a normal life.
This way of thinking has continued to follow me. Because these past few months have been really hard (still adjusting to a new home, depression, new doctor, med changes, new counselor, etc), I’ve been feeling defective more than ever.
Earlier this week, the post that Robert wrote and I featured on my blog was featured on To Save a Life. It was posted on their Facebook page, and there were a few really helpful comments. One comment really stuck out to me (ignore the grammar mistakes…).
“Love your bipolar … I love mine cuz that who im supposed to be, all part of Gods plan. It can b horrific at times but i have to keep saying “it could be worse” … Im alive, yes im soooo off the scale at times but im alive to see my gorgeous hubby and kids!! Finding God as soon as i was diagnoised is what saved me … My hubby and kids are my rock and staying as positive as i can considering lol helps alot!! Bipolar is special … Ur all special …. Best of luck to u all.”
This comment opened my eyes. Instead of wishing I didn’t have Bipolar II, instead of feeling defective, instead of feeling like a burden to everyone around me, I need to love my Bipolar II. You see, without it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. It has taught me so much about life. So much about loving others where they are, for who they are. It has given me a voice to the voiceless in the world of mental illness. It has helped others to see that it’s truly okay to be who they are, mental illness and all. It has helped me understand my brother’s life and death. It has helped me in the grieving process because I can identify with what he lived with his whole life.
God has a plan for everything, even and especially, the hard stuff. Without the hard parts of life, we wouldn’t be able to truly enjoy the good. Without my lows/depression, the “normal” times wouldn’t be so sweet.
Love yourself. Not who you wish you could be but exactly who you are. Right now.