Chains of Guilt

These past few days of outpatient therapy have been so good.  We have talked about self-esteem, how to change your self-esteem, positive qualities, identity, and guilt.

The guilt part was because I brought it up.

You see, I have a cycle.  I get a job, I’m excited about it, I do really well right at first, then I fall quickly because of severe anxiety.  I then find that I cannot handle the job (because of the severe anxiety and panic attacks), and I resign.  Once the excitement of being able to breathe again wears off, the guilt sets in.

That’s where I am right now.

I feel guilty.  I feel guilty because I have quit, yet again.  I feel guilty that I’m not providing financially.  I feel guilty that I have left my students.  I feel guilty that my co-workers are having to work a little harder because I left.  Guilt.  Guilt.  Guilt.

After talking it out today, I realized something: I have a choice.  I can choose to carry the weight of my guilt, or I can choose to “get over it” and enjoy life.  Enjoy being the wife I need to be to my husband.  Enjoy being there for my kids.  And most of all, enjoy the process of truly taking care of myself and getting/staying healthy (mentally/emotionally/spiritually).

If I’ve learned anything through this cycle, it’s that I have tried to jump into something my body can’t handle too many times, and it’s time to not feel guilty about taking care of myself.  I will be a better wife, mom, daughter, friend because of it.  I can be who God created me to be when I truly decide to take care of myself and be okay with it.

Today, I am choosing to not feel guilty for it anymore.  I am who I am, and I can’t change that.  It’s time to start living the life that I am supposed to live.  One of freedom and liberty.  Not the chains of guilt that hold me back.