This afternoon, I decided to get out of the house because of some anxiety.  I went to Starbucks and sat and worked on my Celebrate Recovery workbook.

Through the work that I’ve been doing, especially today, I’ve come to some conclusions that I’ve known for a while, but I’m understanding them on a deeper level.

Perfectionism is at the heart of most of my anxiety.

Perfectionism is at the heart of every extreme.

Perfectionism gives me a false sense of control, and when I realize I’m not in control, it causes anxiety.

Perfectionism causes a lot of discontent.

Perfectionism is at the heart of my people pleasing.

As soon as I clean the house, the kids mess it up, and I’m anxious.

If I mess up as a parent (or think I’m messing up), I’m anxious.

If I feel like I’m a bad wife, I’m anxious.

When I know (or think) that someone isn’t pleased by something I’ve said or done, I’m anxious.

When I “mess up” with my eating, I give up.  When I’m tired of eating badly, I try to eat perfectly and am anxious.

When I spend money, I’m anxious.

When I worry that we might be out of money in a few months (since I’m not working anymore), I fear it’s my fault, and I’m anxious.

I end up spending money to cope with my anxiety, and it makes me more anxious.

I spend too much time online, so I’m anxious.

Since it makes me anxious to spend too much time online, I get off the internet completely, and I’m anxious.

After just a few days of being off, I get back on because I can’t handle being off completely, and I’m anxious because of what people may think.

Extremes.  Control.  People pleasing.  Discontent. —> Perfectionism

I have known that perfectionism has been the root of most of my anxiety, but I have been in denial about it.  I have been in denial that this area of my life can change.  I have struggled so long that I have just lived in it.

How can it change?  I don’t know yet.  I’m only at the beginning.  But just admitting what the issue is, and asking God to take it from me is a huge first step.

My goal right now is that every time I feel anxious, I’m going to ask myself if perfectionism is at the root and see if I am able to combat that with reality.

I’ll use my THINK questions to help me combat my thoughts:

T- is it true?

H- is it helpful?

I- is it inspiring?

N- is it necessary?

K- is it kind?

Most of the perfectionism that I have for myself I wouldn’t have for anyone else, so I will try to remember that as I process through my thoughts.

My goal in this is to not be focused so much on being perfect in these areas, but just learn to live life.

Another thing I’m going to try to do is focus less on doing things perfectly (on Facebook and my blog) and post more about real life.  Really show what life looks like… mess and all.

Here I go!

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